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Electryfying analysis, doll!





Dear Frau,

I am a seasoned therapist in my middle years who still wears a suit and tie to the consulting room and refers to his patients by their second names. I am the very model of analytic restraint. But now my patients do not want to make the arduous journey to the consulting room and insist on online therapy. In short, I have joined the ranks of online grocery shopping

But that is not the worst of it. I now sit in front of the computer screen in my underwear, unshaven and unwashed. I am ashamed to say there is more Frau: it’s as if twenty years of backed up counter transference reactions have been let loose all at once. It all started quite innocently with the odd pick of my nose during these sessions. This soon morphed into laughing, whooping, jeering and pulling faces at the screen while these poor patients confided trustingly in me. Yesterday, during a particularly heightened session I indulged in some erotic self-relief with such gusto and abandon that mother banged on my bedroom door demanding to know what was going on.

Do you think there is such a thing as Electronic Counter-transference or am I ill Frau? Sometimes I wake up in the night paranoid that my patients can somehow see me through the screen and are preparing legal action against me.

Lost in cyberspace,





You pathetic schlemiel.

Wake up! There is no such thing as counter transference of any kind. Patients don’t believe it and neither should you. It was invented to appease bored analysts whose minds wandered in therapy. Once launched however, the concept took off like a rash of sushi bars, with analysts actually believing that their patients had taken up residence in them. Some are so convinced of this that they have moved to larger apartments. What you feel and imagine about your patients is only a sad little storm in your head—full of sound and fury and signifying nothing.

But it’s a different world now. I believe that blow up therapy dolls can be bought online. They promise delivery in a day unless extra attachments are required. The patient can select the doll with the therapeutic orientation they want. If the doll is psychoanalytically inclined they are programmed to say: ‘what comes to mind’ every 20 minutes. A doll of humanist orientation would say ‘I feel your pain’, at which point the doll’s face crumples with empathy and sadness. They come in various sizes, colours and shapes and some are made of leather to withstand an attack from the dissatisfied patient. As you can imagine this is cost effective for the patient as there is only a once off payment. Agents for these products can be contacted at: www.simulacranalysis.com

So my friend, it is our time that is up now. It’s goodbye psychic reality and hello virtual reality.

However, if you can’t beat them, beat them, I say. Even as we speak a patent is pending of my new avatar game called “Hung up”. The person who buys this game can create their own patient and undertake a therapeutic cyber journey with Frau Freudenschwester. Past experiences and trauma can be revisited in 3D and obliterated with specially designed cyber weapons. Fantasies can come true and be lived in any number of parallel universes. There are no boundaries. A convenient PayPal account is available for quick credit card transfers with equipment, outfits and weapons being extra. There is already a feeding frenzy for our pilot game called: “From Hung up to Hung upside down”

I have included a pic of me in my new outfit.

Black Zel

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